Monologue Dave - The "Repertoire"... (last updated 22nd July 2014)

Below is a list of the poems / monologues / pieces which
I have learnt to date.
172 pieces so far, some 43000 words (over 4 hours) and a range as diverse as Chesterton, Causley, Keats, Barker, McMillan, Owen, Yeats, Shakespeare, Edgar, Holloway, Dahl and Seuss - in short, from the haunting to the sublime to the fun.
A fine example of what happens when a New Year's Resolution gets out of
hand!
Full list is below - Title, author, then first line-ish...
001 I Wandered Lonely As A Cloud (Daffodils)
William Wordsworth
I wandered lonely as a cloud that floats on high o'er vales and hills
002 Albert And The Lion
Marriot Edgar
There's a famous seaside place called Blackpool, well known for it's fresh air and fun
003 Albert's Return
Marriot Edgar
You've `eard `ow young Albert Ramsbottom at the zoo up at Blackpool one year
004 Battle Of Hastings
Marriot Edgar
I'll tell of the Battle of Hastings, as happened in years long gone by
005 Magna Charter
Marriott Edgar
I'll tell of the Magna Charter as were signed at the barrons' command
006 The Green Eye Of The Little Yellow God
J.Milton Hayes
There's a one-eyed yellow idol to the north of Khatmandu,
007 The Owl & The Pussycat
Edward Lear
The Owl and the Pussy-Cat went to sea in a beautiful pea-green boat
008 The Rolling English Road * See me recite this here!
G.K. Chesterton
Before the Roman came to Rye or out to Severn strode,
009 Cargoes
John Masefield
Quinquireme of Nineveh from distant Ophir, rowing home to haven
010 Yes, I'll Marry You
Pam Ayres
Yes, I'll marry you, my dear, and here's the reason why
011 You Are Old Father William
Lewis Carroll
"You are old, father William," the young man said, and your hair has become very white
012 On The Beaches
Winston Churchill
I have, myself, full confidence that if all do their duty, if nothing is neglected
013 Remember
Christina Rossetti
Remember me when I am gone away, gone far away into the silent land
014 Dulce Et Decorum Est
Wilfred Owen
Bent double, like old beggars under sacks, knock-kneed coughing like hags, we cursed through sludge
015 He Wishes For The Cloths Of Heaven
W.B. Yeats
Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths, enwrought with golden and silver light
016 A Drinking Song
W.B. Yeats
Wine comes in at the mouth, love comes in at the eye
017 In Memorium
Ewart Alan MacIntosh
So you were David’s father, and he was your only son
018 The Boys I Mean Are Not Refined
E.E. Cummings
The boys i mean are not refined, they go with girls who buck and bite
019 Daddy Fell Into The Pond
Alfred Noyes
Everyone grumbled. The sky was grey. We had nothing to do and nothing to say
020 The Tyger
William Blake
Tyger! Tyger! burning bright in the forrest of the night
021 On the Ning Nang Nong
Spike Milligan
On the Ning Nang Nong where the cows go bong and the monkeys all say boo
022 Funeral Blues
W.H. Auden
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone, prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone
023 One Inch Tall
Shel Silverstein
If you were only one inch tall, you'd ride a worm to school.
024 Hamlet's Soliloquy
William Shakespeare
To be, or not to be--that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind
025 If
Rudyard Kipling
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you
026 If
E.E. Cummings
If freckles were lovely, and day was night, and measles were nice
027 Charge Of The Light Brigade
Alfred Lord Tennyson
Half a league, half a league, half a league onwards
028 Sonnet 18
William Shakespeare
Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate
029 The Road Not Taken
Robert Frost
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and sorry I could not travel both
030 Back Answers
Robb Wilton
I'm subject to colds and they make me quite deaf
031 Skimbleshanks The Railway Cat
T.S. Eliot
There's a whisper down the line at 11:39
032 Address to a Haggis
Robert Burns
Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face
033 What a piece of work is a man
William Shakespeare
I have of late,—but wherefore I know not,—lost all my mirth,
034 A Nightmare
W.S. Gilbert
When you're lying awake with a dismal headache, and repose is taboo'd by anxiety,
035 Leisure
W.H. Davies
What is this life if, full of care, we have no time to stand and stare
036 All The World's A Stage
William Shakespeare
All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players
037 A Warm Welcome
Rowan Atkinson
As the more perceptive of you have probably realised by now, this is Hell. I am the devil,
but you can call me Toby if you like.
038 The Amazing Jesus
Rowan Atkinson
And on the third day, there was a wedding in Cana of Galilee.
039 Tom, Dick and Harry
Rowan Atkinson
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to our church. Would it were a happier occasion for we are gathered here
040 A Soldier
Rupert Brooke
If I should die, think only this of me:That there's some corner of a foreign field that is forever England
041 Little Red Riding Hood and the Wolf
Roald Dahl
As soon as Wolf began to feel that he would like a decent meal he went and knocked on grandma's door
042 The Three Little Pigs
Roald Dahl
The animal I really dig, above all others is the pig. Pigs are noble, pigs are clever.
043 Digging
Seamus Heanney
Between my finger and my thumb the squat pen rests, snug as a gun
044 The 'Ole in the Ark
Marriot Edgar
One evening at dusk as Noah stood on his Ark, putting green oil in starboard side lamp
045 Do Not Go Gentle into That Goodnight
Dylan Thomas
Do not go gentle into that good night, old age should burn and rave at close of day
046 How do I Love Thee? Let Me Count the Ways
Elizabeth Barrett Browning
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee to the breadth and depth and height my soul can reach
047 Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening
Robert Frost
Whose woods these are I think I know. His house is in the village tho
048 The Whiting and the Snail
Lewis Carroll
Will you walk a little faster?’ said a whiting to a snail. There's a porpoise close behind us
049 The Loyal Society for the Relief of Suffers of pisprobuncation * Click here to see me recite this!
Ronnie Barker
Good evening. My name is Doctor Podger Smish and I am the charman
050 Jabberwocky
Lewis Carroll
’Twas brillig, and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe
051 Sam and Noah
Marriot Edgar
I'll tell you an old fashioned story that grandfather used to relate
052 The Pessimist
Benjamin Franklin King
Nothing to do but work, nothing to eat but food. Nothing to wear but clothes to keep one from going nude
053 The Jumblies
Edward Lear
They went to sea in a Sieve, they did. In a sieve they went to sea
054 The Star
Jane Taylor
Twinkle twinkle little star, how I wonder what you are
055 La Belle Dame Sans Merci
John Keats
O what can ail thee knight at arms, alone and palely loitering?
056 To Autumn
John Keats
Season of mist and mellow fruitfulness, close bosom-friend of the maturing sun
057 Cinderella
Roald Dahl
I guess you think you know this story. You don't. The real one's much more gory.
058 3 minute Hamlet
Ronnie Barker
In olden Scandinavia, where standards of behaviour were rather lax and income tax was
tuppence in the ducat
059 In defence of hedgehogs
Pam Ayres
I am very fond of hedgehogs, which makes me want to say that I am filled with wonder how there's any left today
060 Grasshopper Green
Anon
Grasshopper Green is a comical chap, he lives on the best of fare
061 Silver
Walter de la Mare
Slowly, silently now the moon walks the night in her silver shoon
062 Wagtail and Baby
Thomas Hardy
A baby watched a ford whereto a wagtail came for drinking
063 Legacy
Danny Todd
Silicone attitude to match her implants, pound to a penny that girl ain't pleasant
064 Spot Was Not Like The Rest
Les Barker
Where nature is seen at it's wildest out on the african plains
065 Winter
William Shakespeare
When icicles hang by the wall and Dick the shepherd blows his nail
066 Meditation XVII
John Donne
No man is an island entire of itself, Everyman is a piece of the continent
067 Waste Not Want Not
Les Barker
There's a famous place called Blackpool that's noted for fresh air
068 The Art of Marriage
Wilfred A Peterson
The little things are the big things, it is never being too old to hold hands
069 An Inflatable Boy
Les Barker
Long ago in an inflatable land, where the inflatable king and queen rule
070 Anthem for Doomed Youth
Wilfred Owen
What passing bells for these who die as cattle? Only the monstrous anger of the guns
071 A Visit From St Nicholas
Clement Clarke Moore
Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house not a creature was stirring not even a mouse
072 Daddyhood
Jack MacFarlane
Often I walk in rosy memory. Down well worn pathways to familiar places
073 Oh I wish I'd looked after me teeth
Pam Ayres
Oh I wish I'd looked after me teeth and had spotted the perils beneath
074 Two Suns
David Lindsay
We're orbiting our star, the sun, at quite a decent speed
075 Please Mrs Butler
Alan Ahlberg
Please Mrs Butler, this boy Derek Drew keeps copying my work miss
076 A Man's a Man for a' That
Robert Burns
Is there for honest poverty that hings his head, an all that.
077 The English Lesson
Anon
We'll begin with a box and the plural is boxes
078 A Red, Red Rose
Robert Burns
O my luve's like a red, red rose, That's newly sprung in June
079 Auld Lang Syne
Robert Burns
Should auld acquaintance be forgot and ever brought to mind?
080 To a mouse
Robert Burns
Wee, sleekit, cowran, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie!
081 Deja Vu
Les Barker
Deja Vu, a rhyme. It is impossible to experience deja vu for the 1st time
082 The Dash
Linda Ellis
I read of a man who stood to speak at the funeral of a friend
083 Stamped Addressed Antelope
Les Barker
I've seen those millions of wildebeest travel hundreds of miles every year
084 Bump
Spike Milligan
Things that go bump in the night should not really give one a fright
085 I'm nobody, who are you?
Emily Dickinson
I'm nobody, who are you? Are you nobody too?
086 Shi Tsu * Click here to see me recite this!
Les Barker
Once my soul was filled with anger, no room for peace in me somehow.
087 Snake
D H Lawrence
A snake came to my water-trough on a hot, hot day
088 An infinite number of occasional tables
Les Barker
I've got an occasional table, there it is over there
089 Be Kind When You Can
Eliza Cook
Be kind when you can, though the kindness be little 'tis small letters
090 The Sportsman
Peter Clarke
I want a brace of partridges said the sporty looking man
091 This be the Verse
Philip Larkin
They f*ck you up, your mum and dad. They do not mean to, but they do.
092 Timothy Winters
Charles Causley
Timothy Winters comes to school with eyes as wide as a football pool
093 I Saw a Jolly Hunter
Charles Causley
I saw a jolly hunter with a jolly gun
094 In Flanders Fields
John McCrae
In Flanders fields the poppies blow between the crosses, row on row
095 Diary of a Church Mouse
John Betjeman
Here among long-discarded cassocks, damp stools and half-split open hassocks
096 Mange Tout
Les Barker
I saw them in Waitrose last week and was rather intrigued by the name
097 Why Don't They Write It on the Side?
Les Barker
I have recently moved to the country, outside my window's a tree
098 Sea Fever
John Masefield
I must down to the seas again, to the lonely sea and the sky,
099 O-U-S
David Lindsay
Most of us find life difficult to avoid, in a way that I find quite curious
100 Lend Me Your Ears
William Shakespeare
Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears
101 Colonel Fazackerley Butterworth-Toast
Charles Causley
Colonel Fazackerley Butterworth-Toast bought an old castle
complete with a ghost
102 The King's Breakfast
A A Milne
The King asked
The Queen, and
The Queen asked
103 Invictus
W.E Henley
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole
104 Love's Philosophy
Percy Bysshe Shelley
The fountains mingle with the river,
And the rivers with the ocean;
105 She Walks in Beauty
George Gordon, Lord Byron
She walks in Beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
106 Loveliest of Trees, The Cherry Now
A.E Housman
Loveliest of trees, the cherry now
Is hung with bloom along the bough,
107 Abou Ben Adhem
Leigh Hunt
Abou Ben Adhem (may his tribe increase!)
Awoke one night from a deep dream of peace
108 Not Waving But Drowning
Stevie Smith
Nobody heard him, the dead man,
But still he lay moaning:
109 Solitude
Ella Wheeler Wilcox
Laugh, and the world laughs with you;
Weep, and you weep alone.
110 Everyone Sang
Siegfried Sassoon
Everyone suddenly burst out singing;
And I was filled with such delight
111 From An Essay on Man
Alexander Pope
Know then thyself, presume not God to scan, the proper study of mankind is man
112 George
Benny Wilkinson
A 'adnt sin George fer ages, well it were t'army days that's reht
113 The Tale of Custard the Dragon
Ogden Nash
Belinda lived in a little white house, with a little black kitten and a little grey
mouse
114 So We'll Go No More A-roving
George Gordon, Lord Byron
So we'll go no more a-roving, so late into the night
115 From a Railway Carriage
Robert Louis Stevenson
Faster than fairies, faster than witches, rivers and houses, hedges and ditches
116 Adlestrop
Edward Thomas
Yes, I remember Adlestrop -- the name
117 The Witches Brew (from Macbeth)
William Shakespeare
Thrice the brinded cat hath mewed, thrice and once the hedge-pig whined
118 The Spider and the Fly
Mary Howitt
"Will you walk into my parlour?" said the Spider to the Fly, 'Tis the prettiest little parlour that
ever you did spy"
119 Vitai Lampada
Sir Henry Newbolt
There's a breathless hush in the close tonight, ten to make and the match to win
120 The Blind Men and the Elephant
John Godfrey Saxe
It was six men of Indastan to learning much inclined, who went to see an elephant (though all of
them were blind)
121 Kung Fu International
John Cooper Clarke
Outside the takeaway, Saturday night, a bald adolescent asks me out for a fight
122 Prayer Before Birth
Louis MacNeice
I am not yet born, O hear me, let not the bloodsucking bat or the rat or the stoat or the
club-footed ghoul come near me
123 The Atheist and the Bear
Les Barker
The atheist walked in the mountains, enjoying the cool summer breeze
124 Vegetable Rights
Keith Jenkinson
I've joined this group called "Vegetable Rights”
125 Bevin Boys
Jim Saville
What did you do in the war, dad?
126 For The Fallen
Laurence Binyon
With proud thanksgiving, a mother for her children,
England mourns for her dead across the sea
127 Any News of the Iceberg?
Les Barker
One cold rainy night on a Liverpool quayside
In the years before the Great War
128 The Cat at Wimbledon
Mal Brown
A tomcat at a tennis match is not a common site
129 Too Many Daves
Dr Seuss (Theodore Geisel)
Did I ever tell you that Mrs McCave had 23 sons and she named them all Dave?
130 Would You Not Prefer a Chair, Mrs Atwood?
David Lindsay
Would you not prefer a chair, Mrs Atwood? I'm sure we have one going spare, you see...
131 A Hug From My Brother
David Lindsay
It's a magical connection, it's a greeting, a sweet hello
132 Goldilocks and the Three Bears
Roald Dahl
This famous wicked little tale should never have been put on sale
133 High Flight (an airman's ecstacy)
John Gillespie Magee
Oh! I have slipped the surly bonds of earth, and danced the skies
134 Collapse of a Family Firm
Roy Blackman
I worked for this family firm, called "Body, Body, Body and Body"
135 The Donkey
G.K Chesterton
When fishes flew and forests walked and figs grew upon thorn
136 Jenny Kissed Me
Leigh Hunt
Jenny kiss'd me when we met, jumping from the chair she sat in
137 God's Grandeur
Gerard Manley Hopkins
The world is charged with the grandeur of God
138 Grammar Blues
Steve Mellor
Dear Mummy, I hope this letter will explain, why as you read I'm on a train
139 5 Miles to Home
David Lindsay
When I'm out hiking and walking free, a milestone is often a friend to me
140 In the End, it's the Hope
Ian McMillan
Each time they play, we always think it'll be like 1966
141 Santa Came From Halifax
Ian McMillan
There's not many people know this, but I swear it's really true,
Santa was born in Halifax in 1832
142 St George
Matt Panesh (aka Monkey Poet) - please see links page
Cry God for Harry, England and St George
Wrote Shakespeare the Bard and made him ours
143 It Couldn't be Done
Edgar Albert Guest
Somebody said that it couldn't be done, but he with a chuckle replied
144 Song of the Weather
Flanders and Swann
January brings the snow, makes your feet and fingers glow
145 Betty Botter
Anon
Betty Botter bought some butter, but she said "This butter's bitter"
146 When I Was 126
Charles Causley
When I was 126 and you were 105, what fun my dearest dear we had
147 A Cheval, Le Falcon, a sa Main * Click here to see me recite this!
Ray Bower (based on Mariott Edgar's classic "On 'is 'orse with 'is 'awk in 'is hand"
I'll tell of the battle of Hastings as happened in years long gone by
When Guillaume became "Roi d'Angleterre" and 'Arold got shot in the eye...
148 The Word Gremlin
David Lindsay
You're in the middle of the piece, you're really on a roll.
149 Very Berry (or Some Ribes in Rhyme) * Click here to see me recite this!
David Lindsay
There's blackberry, blueberry, northern bog or simple bilberry
150 Song of Patriotic Prejudice
Michael Flanders & Donald Swann
The English, the English, the English are best
I wouldn't give tuppence for all of the rest!
151 'Tis Moonlight, Summer Moonlight
Emily Bronte
'Tis moonlight, summer moonlight
All soft and still and fair
152 Full Moon
Simon Armitage
It's midnight in Luddenden
153 The Train to Morrow
Lew Sully
I started on a journey, just about a week ago
To the little town of Morrow in the state of Ohio
154 The Owl Critic * Click here to see me recite this!
James T. Fields
"Who stuffed that white owl?" No-one spoke in the shop
The barber was busy and he couldn't stop
155 Press Pause
David Lindsay
Brave was our fight, just to survive
To hunt, to gather, then farm
156 The Leader of the Tribe
David Lindsay
He's the leader of the tribe
An elder wise and true
157 22 Reasons for the Bedroom Tax
Carol Ann Duffy
Because the badgers are moving the goalposts.
The ferrets are bending the rules.
158 Musée des Beaux Arts * Click here to see me recite this!
W.H Auden
About suffering they were never wrong,
the Old Masters: how well they understood it's human position
159 Dover Beach
Matthew Arnold
The sea is calm tonight.
The tide is full, the moon lies fair
160 The Darkling Thrush
Thomas Hardy
I leant upon a coppice gate
When Frost was spectre-gray
161 Fern Hill
Dylan Thomas
Now as I was young and easy under the apple boughs
162 Fracking
Graham Smyth
The fracking gas is fracking there
We'll fracking find out fracking where
163 Sonnet 116
William Shakespeare
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
164 The Listeners
Walter de la Mare
'Is there anybody there?' said the Traveller
Knocking on the moonlit door
165 Cathedral Builders
John Ormond
They climbed on sketchy ladders towards God
With winch and pulley hoisted hewn rock
166 Tarantella
Hilaire Belloc
Do you remember an Inn, Miranda?
Do you remember an Inn?
167 To his Coy Mistress
Andrew Marvell
Had we but World enough, and Time
This coyness Lady were no crime
168 Ozymandias
Percy Bysshe Shelley
I met a traveller from an antique land
Who said: "Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
169 I used to start by saying "Sorry"
David Lindsay
I used to start by saying sorry
For my choice of verse
170 Tree Time
David Lindsay
Apple, Plum, Orange, Lemon, Lime
All give us their sweet fruits
171 The Train to Glasgow
Wilma Horsbrugh
Here is the train to Glasgow
Here is the driver, Mr MacIver, who drove the train to Glasgow
172 French Invasion
David Lindsay
Since the bloody Battle of Hastings
When 'Arold got killed by French Bill
William Wordsworth
I wandered lonely as a cloud that floats on high o'er vales and hills
002 Albert And The Lion
Marriot Edgar
There's a famous seaside place called Blackpool, well known for it's fresh air and fun
003 Albert's Return
Marriot Edgar
You've `eard `ow young Albert Ramsbottom at the zoo up at Blackpool one year
004 Battle Of Hastings
Marriot Edgar
I'll tell of the Battle of Hastings, as happened in years long gone by
005 Magna Charter
Marriott Edgar
I'll tell of the Magna Charter as were signed at the barrons' command
006 The Green Eye Of The Little Yellow God
J.Milton Hayes
There's a one-eyed yellow idol to the north of Khatmandu,
007 The Owl & The Pussycat
Edward Lear
The Owl and the Pussy-Cat went to sea in a beautiful pea-green boat
008 The Rolling English Road * See me recite this here!
G.K. Chesterton
Before the Roman came to Rye or out to Severn strode,
009 Cargoes
John Masefield
Quinquireme of Nineveh from distant Ophir, rowing home to haven
010 Yes, I'll Marry You
Pam Ayres
Yes, I'll marry you, my dear, and here's the reason why
011 You Are Old Father William
Lewis Carroll
"You are old, father William," the young man said, and your hair has become very white
012 On The Beaches
Winston Churchill
I have, myself, full confidence that if all do their duty, if nothing is neglected
013 Remember
Christina Rossetti
Remember me when I am gone away, gone far away into the silent land
014 Dulce Et Decorum Est
Wilfred Owen
Bent double, like old beggars under sacks, knock-kneed coughing like hags, we cursed through sludge
015 He Wishes For The Cloths Of Heaven
W.B. Yeats
Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths, enwrought with golden and silver light
016 A Drinking Song
W.B. Yeats
Wine comes in at the mouth, love comes in at the eye
017 In Memorium
Ewart Alan MacIntosh
So you were David’s father, and he was your only son
018 The Boys I Mean Are Not Refined
E.E. Cummings
The boys i mean are not refined, they go with girls who buck and bite
019 Daddy Fell Into The Pond
Alfred Noyes
Everyone grumbled. The sky was grey. We had nothing to do and nothing to say
020 The Tyger
William Blake
Tyger! Tyger! burning bright in the forrest of the night
021 On the Ning Nang Nong
Spike Milligan
On the Ning Nang Nong where the cows go bong and the monkeys all say boo
022 Funeral Blues
W.H. Auden
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone, prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone
023 One Inch Tall
Shel Silverstein
If you were only one inch tall, you'd ride a worm to school.
024 Hamlet's Soliloquy
William Shakespeare
To be, or not to be--that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind
025 If
Rudyard Kipling
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you
026 If
E.E. Cummings
If freckles were lovely, and day was night, and measles were nice
027 Charge Of The Light Brigade
Alfred Lord Tennyson
Half a league, half a league, half a league onwards
028 Sonnet 18
William Shakespeare
Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate
029 The Road Not Taken
Robert Frost
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and sorry I could not travel both
030 Back Answers
Robb Wilton
I'm subject to colds and they make me quite deaf
031 Skimbleshanks The Railway Cat
T.S. Eliot
There's a whisper down the line at 11:39
032 Address to a Haggis
Robert Burns
Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face
033 What a piece of work is a man
William Shakespeare
I have of late,—but wherefore I know not,—lost all my mirth,
034 A Nightmare
W.S. Gilbert
When you're lying awake with a dismal headache, and repose is taboo'd by anxiety,
035 Leisure
W.H. Davies
What is this life if, full of care, we have no time to stand and stare
036 All The World's A Stage
William Shakespeare
All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players
037 A Warm Welcome
Rowan Atkinson
As the more perceptive of you have probably realised by now, this is Hell. I am the devil,
but you can call me Toby if you like.
038 The Amazing Jesus
Rowan Atkinson
And on the third day, there was a wedding in Cana of Galilee.
039 Tom, Dick and Harry
Rowan Atkinson
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to our church. Would it were a happier occasion for we are gathered here
040 A Soldier
Rupert Brooke
If I should die, think only this of me:That there's some corner of a foreign field that is forever England
041 Little Red Riding Hood and the Wolf
Roald Dahl
As soon as Wolf began to feel that he would like a decent meal he went and knocked on grandma's door
042 The Three Little Pigs
Roald Dahl
The animal I really dig, above all others is the pig. Pigs are noble, pigs are clever.
043 Digging
Seamus Heanney
Between my finger and my thumb the squat pen rests, snug as a gun
044 The 'Ole in the Ark
Marriot Edgar
One evening at dusk as Noah stood on his Ark, putting green oil in starboard side lamp
045 Do Not Go Gentle into That Goodnight
Dylan Thomas
Do not go gentle into that good night, old age should burn and rave at close of day
046 How do I Love Thee? Let Me Count the Ways
Elizabeth Barrett Browning
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee to the breadth and depth and height my soul can reach
047 Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening
Robert Frost
Whose woods these are I think I know. His house is in the village tho
048 The Whiting and the Snail
Lewis Carroll
Will you walk a little faster?’ said a whiting to a snail. There's a porpoise close behind us
049 The Loyal Society for the Relief of Suffers of pisprobuncation * Click here to see me recite this!
Ronnie Barker
Good evening. My name is Doctor Podger Smish and I am the charman
050 Jabberwocky
Lewis Carroll
’Twas brillig, and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe
051 Sam and Noah
Marriot Edgar
I'll tell you an old fashioned story that grandfather used to relate
052 The Pessimist
Benjamin Franklin King
Nothing to do but work, nothing to eat but food. Nothing to wear but clothes to keep one from going nude
053 The Jumblies
Edward Lear
They went to sea in a Sieve, they did. In a sieve they went to sea
054 The Star
Jane Taylor
Twinkle twinkle little star, how I wonder what you are
055 La Belle Dame Sans Merci
John Keats
O what can ail thee knight at arms, alone and palely loitering?
056 To Autumn
John Keats
Season of mist and mellow fruitfulness, close bosom-friend of the maturing sun
057 Cinderella
Roald Dahl
I guess you think you know this story. You don't. The real one's much more gory.
058 3 minute Hamlet
Ronnie Barker
In olden Scandinavia, where standards of behaviour were rather lax and income tax was
tuppence in the ducat
059 In defence of hedgehogs
Pam Ayres
I am very fond of hedgehogs, which makes me want to say that I am filled with wonder how there's any left today
060 Grasshopper Green
Anon
Grasshopper Green is a comical chap, he lives on the best of fare
061 Silver
Walter de la Mare
Slowly, silently now the moon walks the night in her silver shoon
062 Wagtail and Baby
Thomas Hardy
A baby watched a ford whereto a wagtail came for drinking
063 Legacy
Danny Todd
Silicone attitude to match her implants, pound to a penny that girl ain't pleasant
064 Spot Was Not Like The Rest
Les Barker
Where nature is seen at it's wildest out on the african plains
065 Winter
William Shakespeare
When icicles hang by the wall and Dick the shepherd blows his nail
066 Meditation XVII
John Donne
No man is an island entire of itself, Everyman is a piece of the continent
067 Waste Not Want Not
Les Barker
There's a famous place called Blackpool that's noted for fresh air
068 The Art of Marriage
Wilfred A Peterson
The little things are the big things, it is never being too old to hold hands
069 An Inflatable Boy
Les Barker
Long ago in an inflatable land, where the inflatable king and queen rule
070 Anthem for Doomed Youth
Wilfred Owen
What passing bells for these who die as cattle? Only the monstrous anger of the guns
071 A Visit From St Nicholas
Clement Clarke Moore
Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house not a creature was stirring not even a mouse
072 Daddyhood
Jack MacFarlane
Often I walk in rosy memory. Down well worn pathways to familiar places
073 Oh I wish I'd looked after me teeth
Pam Ayres
Oh I wish I'd looked after me teeth and had spotted the perils beneath
074 Two Suns
David Lindsay
We're orbiting our star, the sun, at quite a decent speed
075 Please Mrs Butler
Alan Ahlberg
Please Mrs Butler, this boy Derek Drew keeps copying my work miss
076 A Man's a Man for a' That
Robert Burns
Is there for honest poverty that hings his head, an all that.
077 The English Lesson
Anon
We'll begin with a box and the plural is boxes
078 A Red, Red Rose
Robert Burns
O my luve's like a red, red rose, That's newly sprung in June
079 Auld Lang Syne
Robert Burns
Should auld acquaintance be forgot and ever brought to mind?
080 To a mouse
Robert Burns
Wee, sleekit, cowran, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie!
081 Deja Vu
Les Barker
Deja Vu, a rhyme. It is impossible to experience deja vu for the 1st time
082 The Dash
Linda Ellis
I read of a man who stood to speak at the funeral of a friend
083 Stamped Addressed Antelope
Les Barker
I've seen those millions of wildebeest travel hundreds of miles every year
084 Bump
Spike Milligan
Things that go bump in the night should not really give one a fright
085 I'm nobody, who are you?
Emily Dickinson
I'm nobody, who are you? Are you nobody too?
086 Shi Tsu * Click here to see me recite this!
Les Barker
Once my soul was filled with anger, no room for peace in me somehow.
087 Snake
D H Lawrence
A snake came to my water-trough on a hot, hot day
088 An infinite number of occasional tables
Les Barker
I've got an occasional table, there it is over there
089 Be Kind When You Can
Eliza Cook
Be kind when you can, though the kindness be little 'tis small letters
090 The Sportsman
Peter Clarke
I want a brace of partridges said the sporty looking man
091 This be the Verse
Philip Larkin
They f*ck you up, your mum and dad. They do not mean to, but they do.
092 Timothy Winters
Charles Causley
Timothy Winters comes to school with eyes as wide as a football pool
093 I Saw a Jolly Hunter
Charles Causley
I saw a jolly hunter with a jolly gun
094 In Flanders Fields
John McCrae
In Flanders fields the poppies blow between the crosses, row on row
095 Diary of a Church Mouse
John Betjeman
Here among long-discarded cassocks, damp stools and half-split open hassocks
096 Mange Tout
Les Barker
I saw them in Waitrose last week and was rather intrigued by the name
097 Why Don't They Write It on the Side?
Les Barker
I have recently moved to the country, outside my window's a tree
098 Sea Fever
John Masefield
I must down to the seas again, to the lonely sea and the sky,
099 O-U-S
David Lindsay
Most of us find life difficult to avoid, in a way that I find quite curious
100 Lend Me Your Ears
William Shakespeare
Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears
101 Colonel Fazackerley Butterworth-Toast
Charles Causley
Colonel Fazackerley Butterworth-Toast bought an old castle
complete with a ghost
102 The King's Breakfast
A A Milne
The King asked
The Queen, and
The Queen asked
103 Invictus
W.E Henley
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole
104 Love's Philosophy
Percy Bysshe Shelley
The fountains mingle with the river,
And the rivers with the ocean;
105 She Walks in Beauty
George Gordon, Lord Byron
She walks in Beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
106 Loveliest of Trees, The Cherry Now
A.E Housman
Loveliest of trees, the cherry now
Is hung with bloom along the bough,
107 Abou Ben Adhem
Leigh Hunt
Abou Ben Adhem (may his tribe increase!)
Awoke one night from a deep dream of peace
108 Not Waving But Drowning
Stevie Smith
Nobody heard him, the dead man,
But still he lay moaning:
109 Solitude
Ella Wheeler Wilcox
Laugh, and the world laughs with you;
Weep, and you weep alone.
110 Everyone Sang
Siegfried Sassoon
Everyone suddenly burst out singing;
And I was filled with such delight
111 From An Essay on Man
Alexander Pope
Know then thyself, presume not God to scan, the proper study of mankind is man
112 George
Benny Wilkinson
A 'adnt sin George fer ages, well it were t'army days that's reht
113 The Tale of Custard the Dragon
Ogden Nash
Belinda lived in a little white house, with a little black kitten and a little grey
mouse
114 So We'll Go No More A-roving
George Gordon, Lord Byron
So we'll go no more a-roving, so late into the night
115 From a Railway Carriage
Robert Louis Stevenson
Faster than fairies, faster than witches, rivers and houses, hedges and ditches
116 Adlestrop
Edward Thomas
Yes, I remember Adlestrop -- the name
117 The Witches Brew (from Macbeth)
William Shakespeare
Thrice the brinded cat hath mewed, thrice and once the hedge-pig whined
118 The Spider and the Fly
Mary Howitt
"Will you walk into my parlour?" said the Spider to the Fly, 'Tis the prettiest little parlour that
ever you did spy"
119 Vitai Lampada
Sir Henry Newbolt
There's a breathless hush in the close tonight, ten to make and the match to win
120 The Blind Men and the Elephant
John Godfrey Saxe
It was six men of Indastan to learning much inclined, who went to see an elephant (though all of
them were blind)
121 Kung Fu International
John Cooper Clarke
Outside the takeaway, Saturday night, a bald adolescent asks me out for a fight
122 Prayer Before Birth
Louis MacNeice
I am not yet born, O hear me, let not the bloodsucking bat or the rat or the stoat or the
club-footed ghoul come near me
123 The Atheist and the Bear
Les Barker
The atheist walked in the mountains, enjoying the cool summer breeze
124 Vegetable Rights
Keith Jenkinson
I've joined this group called "Vegetable Rights”
125 Bevin Boys
Jim Saville
What did you do in the war, dad?
126 For The Fallen
Laurence Binyon
With proud thanksgiving, a mother for her children,
England mourns for her dead across the sea
127 Any News of the Iceberg?
Les Barker
One cold rainy night on a Liverpool quayside
In the years before the Great War
128 The Cat at Wimbledon
Mal Brown
A tomcat at a tennis match is not a common site
129 Too Many Daves
Dr Seuss (Theodore Geisel)
Did I ever tell you that Mrs McCave had 23 sons and she named them all Dave?
130 Would You Not Prefer a Chair, Mrs Atwood?
David Lindsay
Would you not prefer a chair, Mrs Atwood? I'm sure we have one going spare, you see...
131 A Hug From My Brother
David Lindsay
It's a magical connection, it's a greeting, a sweet hello
132 Goldilocks and the Three Bears
Roald Dahl
This famous wicked little tale should never have been put on sale
133 High Flight (an airman's ecstacy)
John Gillespie Magee
Oh! I have slipped the surly bonds of earth, and danced the skies
134 Collapse of a Family Firm
Roy Blackman
I worked for this family firm, called "Body, Body, Body and Body"
135 The Donkey
G.K Chesterton
When fishes flew and forests walked and figs grew upon thorn
136 Jenny Kissed Me
Leigh Hunt
Jenny kiss'd me when we met, jumping from the chair she sat in
137 God's Grandeur
Gerard Manley Hopkins
The world is charged with the grandeur of God
138 Grammar Blues
Steve Mellor
Dear Mummy, I hope this letter will explain, why as you read I'm on a train
139 5 Miles to Home
David Lindsay
When I'm out hiking and walking free, a milestone is often a friend to me
140 In the End, it's the Hope
Ian McMillan
Each time they play, we always think it'll be like 1966
141 Santa Came From Halifax
Ian McMillan
There's not many people know this, but I swear it's really true,
Santa was born in Halifax in 1832
142 St George
Matt Panesh (aka Monkey Poet) - please see links page
Cry God for Harry, England and St George
Wrote Shakespeare the Bard and made him ours
143 It Couldn't be Done
Edgar Albert Guest
Somebody said that it couldn't be done, but he with a chuckle replied
144 Song of the Weather
Flanders and Swann
January brings the snow, makes your feet and fingers glow
145 Betty Botter
Anon
Betty Botter bought some butter, but she said "This butter's bitter"
146 When I Was 126
Charles Causley
When I was 126 and you were 105, what fun my dearest dear we had
147 A Cheval, Le Falcon, a sa Main * Click here to see me recite this!
Ray Bower (based on Mariott Edgar's classic "On 'is 'orse with 'is 'awk in 'is hand"
I'll tell of the battle of Hastings as happened in years long gone by
When Guillaume became "Roi d'Angleterre" and 'Arold got shot in the eye...
148 The Word Gremlin
David Lindsay
You're in the middle of the piece, you're really on a roll.
149 Very Berry (or Some Ribes in Rhyme) * Click here to see me recite this!
David Lindsay
There's blackberry, blueberry, northern bog or simple bilberry
150 Song of Patriotic Prejudice
Michael Flanders & Donald Swann
The English, the English, the English are best
I wouldn't give tuppence for all of the rest!
151 'Tis Moonlight, Summer Moonlight
Emily Bronte
'Tis moonlight, summer moonlight
All soft and still and fair
152 Full Moon
Simon Armitage
It's midnight in Luddenden
153 The Train to Morrow
Lew Sully
I started on a journey, just about a week ago
To the little town of Morrow in the state of Ohio
154 The Owl Critic * Click here to see me recite this!
James T. Fields
"Who stuffed that white owl?" No-one spoke in the shop
The barber was busy and he couldn't stop
155 Press Pause
David Lindsay
Brave was our fight, just to survive
To hunt, to gather, then farm
156 The Leader of the Tribe
David Lindsay
He's the leader of the tribe
An elder wise and true
157 22 Reasons for the Bedroom Tax
Carol Ann Duffy
Because the badgers are moving the goalposts.
The ferrets are bending the rules.
158 Musée des Beaux Arts * Click here to see me recite this!
W.H Auden
About suffering they were never wrong,
the Old Masters: how well they understood it's human position
159 Dover Beach
Matthew Arnold
The sea is calm tonight.
The tide is full, the moon lies fair
160 The Darkling Thrush
Thomas Hardy
I leant upon a coppice gate
When Frost was spectre-gray
161 Fern Hill
Dylan Thomas
Now as I was young and easy under the apple boughs
162 Fracking
Graham Smyth
The fracking gas is fracking there
We'll fracking find out fracking where
163 Sonnet 116
William Shakespeare
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
164 The Listeners
Walter de la Mare
'Is there anybody there?' said the Traveller
Knocking on the moonlit door
165 Cathedral Builders
John Ormond
They climbed on sketchy ladders towards God
With winch and pulley hoisted hewn rock
166 Tarantella
Hilaire Belloc
Do you remember an Inn, Miranda?
Do you remember an Inn?
167 To his Coy Mistress
Andrew Marvell
Had we but World enough, and Time
This coyness Lady were no crime
168 Ozymandias
Percy Bysshe Shelley
I met a traveller from an antique land
Who said: "Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
169 I used to start by saying "Sorry"
David Lindsay
I used to start by saying sorry
For my choice of verse
170 Tree Time
David Lindsay
Apple, Plum, Orange, Lemon, Lime
All give us their sweet fruits
171 The Train to Glasgow
Wilma Horsbrugh
Here is the train to Glasgow
Here is the driver, Mr MacIver, who drove the train to Glasgow
172 French Invasion
David Lindsay
Since the bloody Battle of Hastings
When 'Arold got killed by French Bill